Allow me to introduce myself.  My name or as I am called by so called "doctors" is Anorexia.  Anorexia Nervosa is my full name, but you may call me Ana.  Hopefully we can become great partners.  In the coming time, I will invest alot of time in you, and I expect the same from you.  In the past you have heard all of your teachers and parents talk about you.  You are "so mature", "intelligent" "14 going on 45", and you possess "so much potential".  Where has that gotton you, may I ask?  ABSOLUTLY NO WHERE!!!  You are not perfect, you do not try hard enough, further more you waste your time on thinking and talking with friends and drawing such acts of indulgence shall not be allowed in the future.  Your friends do not understand you.  They are not truthful.  In the past, when the insecurity has quietly gnawed away at your mind, and you ask them, "Do I look fat?" and they answered "Oh No,Of course not" you knew they were lying!  Only I tell the truth.

Your parents, lets not even go there!!  You know that they love you, and care for you, but part of that is just that they are your parents and are obligated to do so.  I shall tell you a secret now:  Deep down inside themselves, they are disappointed with you.  Their daughter, the one with so much potential, has turned into a FAT, LAZY and UNDESERVING girl.  But I am about to change all that.  I will expect you to drop your calorie intake and up your excersise.  I will push you to the limit.  You must take it because you cannot defy me!!  I am beginning to imbed myself into you.  Pretty soon, I am with you always.  I am there when you wake up in the morning and run to the scale.  The numbers become both friend and enemy, and the frienzied thoughts pray for them to be lower then yesterday, last night, etc.  You look into the mirror with dismay.  You prod and poke at the fat that is there, and smile when you come across bone.  I am there when you figure out the plan for the day: 400 calories, 2 hours excersise. I am the one figuring this out, because by now my thoughts and your thoughts are blurred together as one.  I follow you through out the day.

In school, when your mind wanders I give you something to think about.  Recount the calories for the day.  ITS TO MUCH!!  I fill your mind with thoughts of food, weight, calories and things that are safe to think about.  Because now, I am already inside of you.  I am in your head, your heart and your soul.  The hunger pains you pretend not to feel, is me, inside of you.  Pretty soon I am telling you not only what to do with food, but what to do ALL the time. Smile and nod.  Present yourself well.  SUCK IN THAT FAT STOMACH, DAMMIT, GOD, YOU ARE SUCH A FAT COW!!  When meal times come around I tell you what to do.  I make a plate of lettuce seem like a feast for a king.  Push the food around.  Make it look like you've eatin something.  No piece of anything...if you eat, all the control will be broken....do you want that???  To revert back to the FAT COW you once were?  I force you to stare at magazine models.  Those perfect skinned, white teethed, waifish models of perfection staring out at you from those glossy pages.  I make you realize that you could never be them.  You will always be FAT and NEVER will you be as beautiful as they are...


When you look in the mirror, I will distort the image.  I will show you obesity and hideseousness.  I will show you a sumo wrestler where in reality there is a starving child.  But you must not know this, because if you knew the truth, you might start to eat again and our relationship would come crashing down.  Sometimes you will rebel.  Hopefully not often though.  You will reconize the small rebellious fiber left in your body and will venture down to the dark kitchen.  The cupboard door will slowly open, creaking softly.   Your eyes will move over the food that I have kept at a safe distance from you.  You will find your hands reaching out, lethargically, like a nightmare, through the darkness to the box of crackers.  You shove them in, mechanically, not really tasting but simply relishing in the fact that your going against me.  You reach for another box, then another, then another.  Your stomach will become bloated and grotesque, but you will not stop yet.  And all the time I am screaming at you to stop, YOU FAT COW, you really have no self control, you are going to get fat!!

When it is over you will cling to me again, ask me for advice because you really do not want to get fat.  You broke a cardinal rule and ate, and now you want me back.  I'll force you into the bathroom, onto your knees, staring into the void of the toilet bowl.  Your fingers will be inserted into your throat, and, not without a great deal of pain, your food binge will come up.  Over and Over this is to be repeated, until you spit up blood and water and you know its all gone.  When you stand up,you will feel dizzy.  DONT PASS OUT, STAND UP RIGHT NOW!!!!  YOU FAT COW, YOU DESERVE TO BE IN PAIN!!  Maybe I chose to make you take laxitives, where you sit on the toilet to the wee hours of the morning, feeling your insides cringe.


Or perheps I just make you hurt yourself, bang your head into the wall until you recieve a throbbling headache, Cutting is also effective.  I want you to see your blood, to see it fall down your arm, and in that split second you will realize you deserve whatever pain I give you.  You are depressed, obsessed, in pain, hurting, reaching out but no one will listen?  WHo CaReS?!?!  You are deserving; You brought this upon yourself..OH, is this harsh?  Do you not want this to happen to you?  Am I unfair?  I do things that will help you.  I make it possible for you to stop thinking of emotions that cause you stress.  Thoughts of anger, sadness, desperation, and lonliness can cease because I take them away and fill your head with the methodical calorie counting.

I take away your struggle to fit in with kids your age, the struggle of trying to please everyone as well.  Because now, and I am the only one you need to please.  I have a weak spot But we must not tell anyone.  If you decide to fight back, to reach out to someone and tell them about how I make you live, All hell will break lose.  No one must find out, no one can crack this shell that I have covered you with.  I have created you, this thin, perfect, achieving child.  You are mine and mine alone.  Without me, you are nothing.  So do not fight back.  When others comment, ignore them.  Forget about everyone that tries to take me away.  I am your greatest assest, and I intend to keep it that way

Sincerely,
Ana